The Many Faces of Grief – Kim Morgan

Some years ago, I experienced a significant loss. Since then, I’ve spent my time learning about grief and loss so that I can provide grief coaching for individuals, and grief education for coaches and other professionals.

Some call this ‘making your mess your mission’ or ‘turning your pain into purpose.’ If I am honest, I would probably call it throwing myself into work to escape my feelings – a repeating pattern of mine.

Before experiencing a loss myself, I hadn’t appreciated that grief can challenge overnight how you experience the world and your position in it. You suddenly have to find ways of managing yourself in this new world – a world which doesn’t stop turning just because you have suffered a loss. A world in which you no longer feel you belong in the way you used to belong. A world which doesn’t really understand how to respond to you.

“The whole world can become the enemy when you lose what you love”
Kristina McMorris

I expected to experience pain, fear, shock and sadness, but I discovered that grief could bring with it many more unexpected emotions and responses. Here are just some of the other faces of grief:

Envy: of those who haven’t faced loss, or who still enjoy what you’ve lost – a loving partner, family, a stable job, children, health, mobility, financial security.

Fear: of being the unwanted shadow in social situations, of seeing pity or discomfort reflected in others’ faces.

Aversion: to celebrations of any kind and the hype around holiday times and national days like Mother’s or Father’s Day.

Dread: of closed questions and standard conversational gambits like, “Do you have children?” or “Are you married?” “What are you doing this holiday season?”

Intolerance/lack of empathy: losing the ability to care about others’ troubles which seem insignificant in comparison with yours.

Identity confusion: struggling to redefine who you are after losing someone—or something – that was so integral to your sense of self.

Distress: about secondary losses arising from the primary loss – fractured family relationships, or friends distancing themselves because they don’t know how to respond to your grief.

Anger: at the clumsy things people say. You know they mean well but some of their words hurt… and linger. Any sentence beginning with ‘At least…” is a red flag. “I know someone else who ….” is another. “You must have done something awful to deserve this” remains my all-time ‘favourite’ response.

Anyway, just to make matters worse, having all these uncharitable and uncomfortable responses when you are grieving can give rise to yet more feelings – of shame, guilt and self-recrimination.

One of the most valuable ways we can support people in grief is by listening to them, offering a safe space in which they can have their pain and sorrow witnessed and in which they can express their grief – in all its many, conflicting and complex faces.

Author and grief expert, David Kessler, sums up beautifully the needs of grievers:
“…for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.”

Another helpful thing we can do is to adopt and embrace some of the responses to grief that we know are most appreciated by grievers:

• I am sorry for your loss.
• I am thinking about you.
• Your feelings are valid.
• Everyone grieves differently.
• How can I best support you?
• I am here for you when you need me.
• I am here for you even if it is to just sit and listen.
• I may not find the right words, but please know I care.
• I can see how sad you are.
• How are you today?

We support coaches to develop the skills, awareness and confidence to walk alongside clients experiencing grief, change and uncertainty — through both our Coaching for Loss, Change, Uncertainty & Grief  Short Course and our Certificate in Coaching for Grief & Loss Programme.